Welcome to my website. This website was created to bring the dreams of my dog Toto and I into the concrete world. Once upon a time there was a dream. Like any other dream, it is rich and dimensionless. I created this website to write about my dreams, my feelings. Tonight I felt strangely sad and quiet.
My dream is to be happy and have a normal and serene life with my dogs and in the arms of one who loves me. The kind of life that can be achieved by a union of me and my soul mate.
God knows I have too much unhappiness in all of my adult life dues to something that was not even my fault. I was experiencing all the symptoms of being abandoned by my parents. The anguished and the cried of a little infant girl left alone in the cupboard has continued to haunt me and robbed me any of the sanity and love I deserve.
So at this time, in this place, I’d like to extend a formal apology to all of my past lovers whom I am very sure were tortured and suffered at my uncontrollable jealousies and continuously emotional harassments.
Here is the start of a yet another broken dream. Written on February 2nd 2011.
The lover of three years just left me. It was not his fault. It was not really entirely mine either. But I have ways with words which were always written in the form of emails. God knows I could have save many broken relationships not only with my past boyfriends but also with my other “friends” as well… if email was not invented.
Email lets out my angers and it was so easy to click on “send”. It was so easy to use it as weapon to hurt another just because they’ve hurt me.
My heart is still aching and full of past love and disappointments. Toto is not with me tonight. He is with his daddy (my ex). Ok my love story started 3 years ago with my neighbor named ____.
But tonight having create this website I’d like to use it as a way to release my pent up angers, my disappointments and my so longing for a relationship that less volatile.
I met another man tonight on Zooks of all places. He is in a solar energy business. He is gentle, low key and he has the same taste of music as mine. But my heart was still belonging to my past love however was painful. Oh my God how much I longed for the peaceful of my existence before all of these happened. I knew this would not last but I had no idea how it would end.
Today I was back at his place. I missed him. He was trying to cook me a lunch. He came back from golf early just so that he could be with me. He was cold. I did not blame him. It was so much easier to just hold me. So the hurt inside just kept swelling up in me and to the point tears were just rolling in my eyes. I wish that my ex lover was more tolerant. But you know everybody has its limits. I stretches his way way too far. I have a knack of destroying the love in my life. I am so very good at this.
I’ve learned also that I need to develop intimacy. I need to put myself in other’s people shoes and treat people with more respects. Frankly I did not mean to be disrespect. I was only showing my contempt for a cheater. I could not handle man that cheats. Worse yet a cheated man. who knows he is a cheater but he bullied you into thinking that it was in your head. I despite such a being.
In this website I will use it solely to put out my heart on the paper. It may not be as cohesive or as smooth as I would like but I like to have a witness for my pains and for my disappointments either in myself or in others.
I write more tomorrow as I have to work now. It’s hard to work when you are sad. It’s hard to love when you are sad. Not sure how to fix what ails me right now. I really do not wish to be back with my ex but part of me wish that it has not ever happened. I just wish I have the calm, loving heart of my dog Toto. I wish I wish I wish….